Running
by LaUrIsHa-just me
Summary: Running is the only way you deal with things, it’s what you’ve practiced all your life.It’s not a choice at all but a need. Running is the only thing you’ve really known how to do. R&R ONESHOT


Running

Running is the only way you deal with things. It's how you solve every problem, how you avoid being hurt. It's what you've learned from a young age, it's what you've practiced all your life.

Ever since you were a kid, when there was a problem, you moved to another country. That's how things were fixed; if one country was at war, if your family was in danger, if your mother wasn't needed anymore: you ran off to her next assignment in a different part of the world.

That lesson stuck with you. It's why you love your job so much; you get to run to a different part of the country almost every week and you get to run inside the mind of a violent offender every day. Thinking like the unsub is not what you enjoy, though, it's hiding. Because when you hide, you're not yourself anymore and you get a sick pleasure from that. You get a sick pleasure from knowing that Emily Prentiss doesn't exist for a while, that all that matters involves the unsub or the victim but not you.

You've learned that creating distance makes things easier. If no one knows you, if you don't form any bonds, it's less painful to run away. If you're not you for a split second, if you hide behind someone else, running away seems less like cowardice and more like a choice. It doesn't matter that you know it's not a choice at all but an instinct. Scratch that, more than an instinct it's a need.

It's a need that burns inside you like an eternal fire. You can never escape from it, you can never smother it. The only thing you can do is try to forget about it. However, the heat remains at the pit of your stomach. And that heat tells you when you've had enough, when it's time to get away from everything. So you run, with that fire as your compass and for a moment it seems like it has died but then you feel its heat again and wait until the moment when it'll tell you to run once more. Because you know it will, it always does.

You've been hopping from country to country, from state to state trying to find something that will make you stay. But nothing will. There's nothing so far that's been good enough for you, nothing so far has overpowered your need to run. What could? Running is the only thing you've ever known.

When life's too tough and you feel like you can't breathe anymore you do the one thing you've been consistently good at: you run. Why? Because staying will be painful, it'll hurt you. And if there's one thing you hate more than being static is being hurt. You'll avoid it by all means, you'll shield yourself from it, you'll escape from it.

By escaping from being hurt you've hurt others but you don't know that, you _can't_ know that. Because if you realize that, all you've ever believed in will crumble down. That system you've so masterfully perfected will be destroyed, you could never forgive yourself. And most importantly, you wouldn't know what to do. Because running is the only thing you've really known how to do.

You excel at it, you're a pro. You, Emily Prentiss, know all the little shortcuts, all the half-truths to tell yourself, all the excuses to explain your actions, all the efficient ways to get out of where you are as soon as possible. After all, you've been training for a long time. And God knows you're a quick learner.

You've run from your mistakes, you've run from your family, you ran from a desk job, you ran from the BAU when Strauss asked for your help, you've run from the truth. Because the truth is painful and you don't want to hurt anymore. The truth is that you will never be happy, you will never be complete. There will always be something missing from your life, something that will make you want to run away. And it scares you to know that, so you deny it, you fight it all the way. But deep down, you know it's true.

You always told yourself that what was missing in your life was a family and when you found that, everything would be alright. But you did and nothing changed. You found it in friends and mentors and co-workers but you still had that need to run, to start over, to find what you needed the most. So you said you needed to make a difference, to help people, to hunt those who hurt others. Maybe you wanted it out of revenge, a convoluted way of getting rid of your own demons, your own twisted way of settling scores with those who had hurt you.

Either way, you got the job and at the first trial, the first obstacle; you gave up. Instead of fighting for what you wanted, you just ran away. Instead of being firm and defend your position, you hid like a little girl at home, away from everything and everyone and put up that old front that you had mastered some time ago: _I hate politics_. Oh, you did. You'd seen what it had done to your mother, how it had ruined your life. But politics had nothing to do with your choice. That incident with Strauss was the excuse you needed to run away once again. However, this time, you let yourself be persuaded by Hotch. Apparently, you wanted this job more than other things in your life and weren't ready just yet to abandon it. That didn't change who you are, though. It just delayed your reaction. Maybe you weren't done chasing those ghosts, maybe you hadn't finished your catharsis.

People see you as a fighter, as a strong, independent woman and you _are_ all those things but they don't really know you. Because if they did, they would know that underneath it all, you're a runner.

* * *

_I know there's been like a million fics with "Running" as a prompt but they were all about JJ and I thought that Emily fit too, I think she's also a runner_. Thanks to those who read, please leave a review with your comments and / or suggestions. _I suggest reading _**H****e Knows**_, my other CM fic_ _which according to some reviewers, is a good character study about Hotch._ Thanks again and I hope to hear from you!


End file.
